Discarded Treasures ~

I approached quietly , and left

a small piece of my heart,

on the  park  bench.

As if somehow leaving it there,

meant I was waiting for the day , no , not even the day,

my life!

to start,

for some permission.

Would he see it?

Would he care?

Or would it simply be one more

discarded, tumbled, forgotten grubby lost unknown treasure. I watch with all the hopes , despairs, confusions, joys, consternation…………. Abruptly  , the man who lives in the apartment above me  grabs my arm , and with  sudden fervor

pulls me down from my window perch , where I watch so anxiously . Racing , with a strength I would not , no , could not have thought his own bird-like body could possess,  hurriedly we go, skipping first one step , and then two steps at a time ………..and then we are there.

The bench.

The boy.

And me, the  girl. I am standing , out of breath, trying to think of the words to explain .

The painted rock.

The old man.

I am only a child  here.

My words are jumbled.

There is  nothing  for me to  say, it is  just a grubby , lost unknown treasure, I mumble.

It is okay, the boy  says. The old man is his uncle. The boy  is NOT new here, the old man says,  he has  seen that you like books, and walks. And benches. And wanting  to learn about quiet things, like that which is  discarded, and hopes, and unknown treasures. And  in time, together , you   will  think of the right words to explain.

Wings~

 

Happiest of Tuesdays to you EveryBUDDY! I hope today finds you doing the best you can with what you have. Sometimes that’s all we can do. The best that we can. Sometimes not even that. Sometimes we can’t even give it our all. There are days we can only give it our “some”. And the perfectionist in me is learning to be okay with that. I am very blessed in that I married a man who is perfectly okay if the house is not spotless every day. I do NOT have to look like a supermodel when I roll out of the bed in the mornings. ( Thank the Good Lord above. ) He met me when I was already very ill , and married me anyway. Needless to say it pretty much all went downhill from there. If angels walk among us, I’m pretty sure he hides his under his grease stained overalls. I read  very frequently a question that gets asked on my lupus page, from many of my followers, who are just beginning their journeys with this insidious disease, the question I most dread hearing. “Does it get better?” They can usually mean a few things by this. Sometimes they mean the treatment they receive from friends and family members. As in , “Does the treatment from them get better? Will they understand? Will they be more compassionate and helpful?” I wish I could say yes. But mostly , sadly, the answer is “No.” People , in large part, don’t “Get it” unless they GET IT , and that is something we don’t really wish on anyone. Sometimes they mean , “Will my illness get better?” And the answer to that is a resounding “No. ” as well. Oh how I wish I could say, “Oh yes! The doctors are so helpful. The treatments are wonderful. And the support is great. You’ll be back to yourself in no time. ” But it’s just not true. The best I can wish for them is a period of “remission” a short respite of ease . Now for those of you reading this thinking, “Well aren’t you being a Debbie Downer today??” I don’t mean it to be! I really mean it to be positive, so that when you see someone WITH a disease like we have , you will TRULY understand how HARD we fight to STAY positive. We must make up our own minds EVERY SINGLE DAY that we are going to live to see above the trees.  EVERY minute to smile through horrible pain. Our bodies literally hate us. And no amount of King’s Men can put our Humpty Dumpty’s back together again. So we must make the best go of it that we can, and oil our flying machines.  If we seem triumphant over some small thing, please remember that maybe even walking down the hall to our bedroom was like a 10K . Standing long enough to cook spaghetti was like a marathon. Taking one of our meds off our list , is relative to soaring over  Everest. These are the measures we count our lives by. So please. Don’t take offense if we don’t seem like “our old selves”. It’s been a long , long time since some of us even remember what that was like. Smile with us in the now. You don’t have to “HAVE IT ” to “GET IT”   🙂  Our bodies might seem to  be falling apart, but our spirits are still the same on the inside.  The wings might be bent, but not broken, at least, not for long. Come fly with us.

Carry it with you when you go………

 

 

Did you just ever have one of those months where it all seemed to pile up on you ? The news , the negativity , the gossip, the baleful oil of the sheer sliminess piling up in wave upon wave until it  just seems determined to pull you under the weight of it? That’s what it seemed like this last month. So much so that I turned off my FB , my Twitter, my blog, and all my communications. That’s not all that new of a step for me. I have been known to go off-grid for as long as two years without even a television. When my husband and I got married we owned no computer, no television, no telephone, no washer or dryer, and lived 10 miles from the largest chain store. Lest you think I was some sort of a hermit, I worked at a library, had lots of friends, enjoyed chatting  with certain people, and not just with “conspiracy nuts”. But anywho, I digress. It’s 2016 now, and apparently in this century it’s  considered en vogue to have  a certain number of such  kooky friends. There however seems to be a pallor hanging over the universe these days. If you so  much as even dare to breathe a smile in someone’s direction it is deemed a hostile action. I ventured forth into town to do my weekly shopping and it was as if I had forayed into a war zone. “How dare I smile in the general area of the shoppers in the aisle I was on?!?” It was as if I had thrown poison darts in the path of their cart! “What right had I to be happy?!? What reason had I to be so cheerful in the store for crying out loud?” HMMPPH! It was unseemingly.  I don’t know why it bothers me so badly . Why do I want so much for the world to be a positive place?  Sometimes I swear it is a losing battle, and I wonder if people have made it their own personal mission to dampen as many people’s moods as possible while out and about on their daily jaunt. Well, I hereby declare that I REFUSE TO LOSE! THAT’S RIGHT, YOU HEARD IT HERE  FIRST! I am making it my own personal mission to get a smile from each person I pass. You will not dampen my mood. You will not rain on my parade, and you will not squash my happiness. So, if you take offense at my smile, I feel genuinely sorry for you. I hate that you are having a bad day, and I hate that things are not working out well for you. But I am going to smile just the same. That is my philosophy for today, my philosophy for tomorrow and for all the tomorrows from now on! So hopefully I am leaving you with a little bit of my smile for today, and maybe you can carry it with you for the rest of today !

I Ain’t Never Read Where It Says THAT….

You know I’ve got to thinkin’ about somethin’ over the last couple o’ days. ( People shakin’ their heads already, I hear yore marbles rollin’. Lord help us yore a’ thinkin!) Well, you know , I DO GET to thinkin’ occasionally. AND I got to thinkin’ about that sayin’ , “Well, I’m happy if you’re happy. ” And it occurred to me, I think that might be just about the single biggest load of rot I’ve ever heard in one sentence. Well, seriously. Think about it. Think about a time YOU , yourself have ever used that phrase . Was it ever in a situation when you were ever GENUINELY happy for said person? It wasn’t was it? It was more of a, “Lord have mercy, how did they get into that mess, I am just going to shake my head and say, ‘Well, I’m happy , if you’re happy.” But WHY?!? Who came up with such a stupid expression!?? When kids are two years old and want to get a blue mohawk and a nose ring you do NOT say yes, and say “Well, I’m happy if you’re happy.” Why? Because they’re TWO dadgum years old for cryin’ out loud! When they are ten and want to drive a car down the open highway while drinkin’ an alcoholic beverage, You don’t say Sure. I’m happy if you’re happy. Why not? Well for one thing it’s “agin”  the law, and for another they’re TEN YEARS OLD!!  So let me ask a genuine question. When did it become a normal thing to say, “I’m happy if you’re happy .” to someone you care about doing something equally as stupid? They wanna’ get drunk every weekend and drive themselves around, but sure we’re happy as long as they are. They wanna’ get married 9 times in a row , and wreck the lives of everyone around them, but hey why not? They’re happy , right? And I understand that people are “grown” .They can make their OWN decisions and don’t need my “input”.  I get that. They’re adults. Well, then you know what ? They oughta’ ACT like it. And I don’t reckon ANYWHERE in the Bible did I read it promises we DESERVE to be happy all the time. I ain’t never  read  where it says that.

MEPHITIC

~MEPHITIC~

What malodorous substance do you use,

to cover the lies you tell?

Do you not even notice now, 

the way it  gives off a smell?

It corrupts  everything you touch,

it poisons  the very air.

Wilts away  all the  new life, 

til only  the   old is there.

Friends once caught in conversation,

 can now only hear burnt words.

 Only falsely spoken cries from

fallen dying birds.

I want so badly  to believe again,

 that the words you say are  true,

in this apocalyptic wasteland, though, 

the most distorted thing  is you.

Ruby Jeanette Woods

August 2015

BACK TO THE CAVES WE GO~

I would like to start this post by saying, that ANYONE who knows me, knows I don’t get offended easily.  Pretty much anything , anybody says, just rolls right off my back.

However, I just recently read an article , with MEMES to go along with it, that just totally rubbed my fur the wrong way.

And once you read it, I am fairly sure you will feel the same way.

To start this off, I always thought the idea behind childbirth was to have a HAPPY, HEALTHY child. One for the parents to love, and one to love the parents.

WELL, this fella ‘ here has just set childbirth, and childrearin’ back 100 years and caused a great deal of unhappiness between women. When you read it , you will understand, and be just as outraged as I was.  Seriously, this man is half a bubble off of plumb, a donut short of a full box, and as my Daddy would say, “His bread’s in the oven , but the gas ain’t on. ”  The word chauvinist doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it.

Because apparently , those of us who had C sections are INFERIOR.

Because , apparently, we didn’t REALLY LOVE our babies, we are just selfish for making  different choice.

Because apparently , we’re just drug-addled women , who are lazy and chemically dependent.

So we have no business having doctors interfere in the “natural” process of birth, even though our children came early and would have died without medical intervention.  We’re just lazy like that.  Needless to say, I refuse to feel sorry for my childbirth experience , as my sons are 16 and 14 and are completely healthy , despite the fact that (SHOCK AND HORROR!!!!) they were both born by Ceasarian section.

So perhaps there is hope after all!

Attached~

UHF. I ‘ve missed a couple of days writing here. I hate when that happens. I’ve written . I mean , I never go a day without writing something down. My brain hands won’t allow that.

Today I had doctor appointments all day , and so my schedule has been all messed up. I usually rise at 4 am , and do my lupus support page. I have almost 1600 followers there now. It’s a place where people with lupus or their family members can come and be inspired, have a laugh, ask a question, or just want to seek understanding for what they are going through. Then I try to come here and write , either a poem, or just something that has inspired me somehow. So , I ‘m trying to get back on track.
As for today I’d have to say , I guess I’d like to say I ‘ll have to write about something I found totally surprising. Something I would never thought would have happened. My oldest son, is 15 now. We’ve always had a special relationship, I was very young when I had him, only 18. He had special problems, and I perhaps was a bit overprotective. Joseph went with me everywhere. I didn’t let him out of my sight. He was my little hip attachment. He sat in his car carrier , outside the shower curtain when I showered so I could talk to him , “What ya doing out there buddy? Mom will be done in a minute. , Okay?” . Instead of riding in the cart of the store , I carried him in my arms.”What should we get Daddy for dinner today, maybe hamburgers?” . He slept between my husband and me. He didn’t stay with a baby sitter, and he didn’t go to preschool. He was my conversation buddy, all day, every day, “How bout we go to the park? “or “Boy ,it’s raining , let’s color Grandma a picture.” I didn’t work. People everywhere asked me, “Don’t you get SICK of having him ALL the time?” , or “GOOD grief, DON’T you EVER go anywhere without him?” but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. His smell, the feel of him. The weight of him in my arms. The sensation of him beside me in bed. The knowing that I was responsible for his care, and the look in his eyes when he gazed at me. He grew older and when he was was 7 and 8 years old he was still my friend, and still spent his time with me. We read books together, and did school together . 10, 11, 12, and now he is 15, the story is still the same . Oh sure, now he sleeps in his own room in his own big futon. He has a big teen boy room. And other friends of his own, but today we were at the doctor’s office and he wheeled me back for my consult at the cardiologist. We sat, and were just carrying on conversation, like two friends who had know each other their whole lives. And then it dawned on me, that’s exactly what we were.

Broken~

The words you said,
and blew my way, like arrows on the wind.
Tore right through my open arms,
for I THOUGHT you were my friend.
I had in mind to reach for you,
and share some special thought,
you passed right by , your only aim,
to take the open shot.
We’d been friends, but now somehow,
you say I don’t belong,
somehow you’re bigger, better, MORE,
and I was just a pawn.
You’ve gathered up your little group,
and circled round to feed,
I was only scrap for you,
now nothing that you need.
Perhaps you think that all are fooled,
and don’t see what I have seen,
but you have cut me deeply,
and God has seen me bleed.
So keep up your game of “I’m so much better”,
and direct your little play,
there’ll come a time when all’s revealed,
and always a price to pay.

Puttin’ On My FIghtin’ Panties~

Wow. What a whack a doodle weekend. Well actually two whackadoodle weekends in a row. I have never been so sick of hospitals , nurses ,and doctors in my whole life. The funny thing is the two weekends could not have been more varied. Last weekend 4th floor of the hospital, I got nice nurses, wonderful doctors, awesome treatment, everything explained in execellent fashion , all gold stars all around, diagnosis of extreme dehydration , complete weakness , body gone down to the bare nubs with a viral infection. So last weekend, I got antibiotics , tons of fluids, and treated very well with much rest and respect. This weekend, I get an Emergency call at my home at 7 pm saying my labs were seriously out of order, my INR clotting factor needing to be a 2 and was a 19, so basically I could bump my leg and bleed to death. GET TO THE HOSPITAL TO BE ADMITTED ASAP> 2nd floor nurses, not so awesome, couldn’t get their junk together , total spazzes, tourniqetted up my arm , but forgot that you need vacutubes BEFORE you draw the blood and just left me wrenched up that way, while she went to get her forgotten tools. In and out , up and down all friggin night, no sleep , Then the doctor decides he doesn’t have to come in to speak with me, and can just order his lackeys to basically come in and run me over roughshod with a bunch of tests that I had already had once , that he wanted repeated for no good reason. But the doctor didn’t want to plan a plan for my care just go all willy nilly. Well I lost it. For one thing they all talked OVER me or AT me instead of TO me, as if I were a mindless vegetable in the bed. I guess my righteous lupus indignation rose up and I proceeded to have a lupus hissy. I said , You do not talk to me like I am stupid. I am right here, and if you want to do something you talk to ME. These tests were done once, why are we repeating them? And these nurses, all night, in and out, couldn’t get their gear together, I got no sleep. For NO reason. THEY ARE supposed to KNOW their jobs. So until people can get their crap together , and get me a coherent plan , don’t come talk to me. They all looked at me like I had grown a third head, but seriously! Lupus has fried my body, NOT my brain! I am sick not stupid. And when your doctor comes in and just doesnt’ really inspire confidence that he knows what is going on with your VERY complicated situation, you don’t just sit there and think , “Hmmmm, should I put my life in this guys hands or what?” “Let me think, hmmmmmm?” I THINK not!” Well, today the nurse must have told him what I said because he was totally different this morning, very deferential. And I HATE being a bully, but DAGNABBIT, this is their JOB! People’s lives hang in the balance. This isn’t checkers, folks. Get it right the first time please. Or I promise I WILL put on my LUPUS fighting panties and go at it with you . It ain’t purty , but it gets the job done. I’m thinking of giving lupie assertiveness classes , seems like there may be call for them, lol Love you all ❤ 🙂 and as always (hugs) ~ Ruby Jeanette

Raise Me Up~

Today I thought I ‘d post about a subject that has come up in conversation several times over the last few weeks. Friendships. Friendship is a wonderful thing. It’s awesome to have people you know you can count on no matter what. Who are there when the “chips are down” as they say. It’s great to have people you can call anytime of the day or night, and they will pick up and give a hand or a listening ear, if that’s what you need. I am blessed to say I have friends like that. But what I really want to post about is a little more difficult and complicated than that. It’s about when you have friends, but they are a negative influence on your life. And I don’t mean that in the traditional sense, as in ” drugs, alchohol or bad behaviours”. The people I mean are great people. They’re not dragging you into bank robbery, or anything like that. They are dragging you down in a whole other way. They suffer from the “negativity sickness”. You know exactly what I mean! The whole “My life is terrible! Why do bad things always happen to me? I’m sick. I’m tired. My dog ran off. My kids aren’t doing well in school. My job is stressful. The bills are due. We’re in debt. The truck broke down. Why does so and so have more money, a better house, a nicer car, and their kids have better stuff?” , and all this in a space of less than 5 minutes conversation. And I don’t mean this as a one-time occurrence. This is their normal. Now before you get upset with me, and say, “Well, life is hard! Maybe they have good reason to complain!” , let me say this. I KNOW that things are tough. I know life can be a struggle. But , some people NEVER have anything good to say. Their entire conversation revolves around how miserable they are. And this makes it very difficult to maintain a friendship with them. When you are chronically ill, you cannot afford to focus only on the negative. And I finally came to the conclusion, that I cannot afford to have people in my life whose only focus is the unpleasant. It really drags me down emotionally, which leads to being dragged down physically in my body. So this might sound harsh, but I have chosen to limit my involvement with people like that. Even though I love them, and wish them only the best. For my well -being, I have chosen to surround myself with people who are positive, and encourage me to feel the same. If you are struggling with this problem, try taking a few steps back from those who are causing you to sink into that negative place, and see if it makes you feel better! Stay positive everyone!