with hair pinned up.
A velvet dress,
shows just enough.
a first date gift,
of bottled perfume,
the fragrant mist.
Of White Shoulders.
WHooooo-wheeeee. This may be one of those let it all out there posts. So if you know me, and have been anywhere within the radius of one of my brutally honest posts, perhaps you should duck n cover now. 🙂 Nah. It’s not aimed toward any one particular person, it’s just a series of thoughts that I’ve had lately. (My family is already groaning! “Oh great…….she’s had ANOTHER series of thoughts…….!) And besides I’ve posted poetry the last 3 or 4 posts so I’m due a real conversation with everyone for a change. After all, the banner on my blog DOES say, “finding the funny, fearless, and furious things about everyday life”, so buckle up your big boy belts, peeps, and ahhhhwaaaay we go!
This is about attitudes. Now admittedly, I have a sarcastic, let’s have fun, roll with the moment, positive attitude just about most of the time. Most people say , “She’s a glass half full kind of person.” , for which I am glad. I like smiling! I like making other people smile. But, here’s the 411 everyone. The down low. The real secret to what lies behind that smile. I HAVE TO WORK AT IT. So there you go. For those regular readers of this blog, this next section will be old hat, so feel free to skip ahead. Ok? Cool. Now for you newbies here , I HAVE LUPUS. What is that ?!? Some weirdo tropical disease? Some mutant form of bacteria that will eventually transform me into a werewolf? HA. I wish. No, it’s this whackadoodle immune system disorder that turns your bodies protection systems against itself, and is killing your own organs off with friendly fire. Think it doesn’t sound too bad? Well, mine decided my heart looked like a great lunch-time snack, my nervous system looked like the appetizer, and basically all the joints, muscles and connective tissue in my body were the main course. Picture the patch-wearing evil villain holding your body above a cauldron of lava and dipping you in over and over and over again, you burn and burn , but are never consumed. FUN, right? Uh, yeah. So what does all this have to do with said main topic of attitude? Well, see, I’ve decided that “OKay. I have lupus. Yep. IT SUCKS. ” But this is NOT any one else’s fault, heck, it’s not even MY fault!! Why should I go around all miserable, grouching at everyone? Ok, I’m in crrraaaazzzzy pain. STILL not anyone’s fault. And taking out my problem on some one else, is NOT going to help my lupus go away. And lest you think I’m some scion of positivity, I’ll let you know right up front , I’m not! I’ve cried! More than people know. I’ve been angry , about this disease. My house is in a constant state of , as my friend Laura so ingeniously put it C.H.A.O.S. ~ That’s can’t have anyone over syndrome 🙂 because maintaining a magazine worthy house is so far down on the list of things to care about at this point!! But as cliché as it sounds, you just have to LET IT GO. Life is beautiful. PEOPLE are what matter. And let me tell you something , if you open yourself up, just that tiny , tiny bit it takes to smile , instead of thinking in that moment, “I am so angry, frustrated, and defeated with my life!!” , you will be surprised where that smile will take you. And the more you work at it, ( and sometimes it IS WORK!as some people don’t seem to care for the cheerful disposition of others) , the more you will see that maybe, just maybe it makes things seem just a teeny -tiny bit easier to deal with, and if you are into it for results only, it will ACTUALLY get people to be nicer in return causing all kind of perks to flow your way. I’ve had it work for me lots of times ( now the key here is SINCERITY , as fellow grumpies can tell a faker from a mile away!) but seriously! I guess my final thought would have to be , the world is so incredibly negative now. And the health issues caused by inner anger and turmoil are well documented. So if you smile, what did you hurt? Really? If you just let a few more non essential things go, will the world stop turning? Or will it perhaps turn just a little slower in the direction of a more beautiful life , for yourself, and those around you?
Here’s to just letting it go~ Ruby Jeanette
I fell back into the spaces among the living,
for the dead held no place for me.
I do not wish for death,
although I walk between the gray granite stones of Oak Grove.
I simply do not seem to belong to one place or the other.
My body broken, ashen and tired, clings still to all that I hold dear
in this earthen realm.
My children, husband, friends and home
hold me close and need me yet.
I remain chained by limitations of this disease,
housebound for days, not seeing and not wanting to be seen.
Death is though ,such a finality ,
I am young, and not without hope.
Lest I be thought in danger , I do not crave this place.
I know I am needed, and to be needed is love ,wrapped in a want not recognized.
Youth and a wasted dream are just hard things to reconcile.
So, I shall settle for now, into the space between the stones. If there is one saving grace,
it is that here there is green, green grass on the hill beneath the oaks in the Grove.
This life has bent me, pulled me, pushed me , called me,
stretched like a wire into the distance, my ship sails,
into a place that I cannot see.
Forged of steel and spider-webs,
fine-tuned yet tangle-thin,
I wish for an oak to moor me, a brace against the wind.
Not sure what forces have conspired so,
to mold my vessel into this awkward frame.
Poured and torn, in the midst of storms,
a siren sung my name, and,
pushed past disease, on whispered prayers,
I somehow carry on.
I’ve never been over the horizon,
I don’t know what’s waiting beyond this sea,
I can only sail in this moment,
in my vessel tired but fine.
It has carried me this far , and will carry me the rest of the way.