MEPHITIC

~MEPHITIC~

What malodorous substance do you use,

to cover the lies you tell?

Do you not even notice now, 

the way it  gives off a smell?

It corrupts  everything you touch,

it poisons  the very air.

Wilts away  all the  new life, 

til only  the   old is there.

Friends once caught in conversation,

 can now only hear burnt words.

 Only falsely spoken cries from

fallen dying birds.

I want so badly  to believe again,

 that the words you say are  true,

in this apocalyptic wasteland, though, 

the most distorted thing  is you.

Ruby Jeanette Woods

August 2015

Beautiful~

My husband took me out for a drive up around the lake that’s about 7 miles from where we live yesterday. They call Arkansas the Natural State for good reason. If you live here, there is pretty much a lake, stream , river, pond, or body of water of some sort near driving distance from where you live. People hunt here, they fish, there are more critters of the furry , scaled, flying, and feathered variety than you could shake a stick at. We have huge loblolly pines, cedars, oaks, practically any kind of tree you could imagine. I love it here.

During my childhood I spent more time outdoors than I EVER spent in. I was a wildling. I hated bathing, combing my hair only when made to, did not wear shoes, rode a horse everywhere , went without a shirt  , dressed as a boy; people thought my Dad had three daughters and ONE son, and he most of the time did not bother to correct them.  Two of my favorite things , other than riding, were to climb the tallest tree I could find, and the other, were to go up what we called ‘ the dirt road’  and lay in Mr. Plant’s pasture for hours and just watch the clouds go by overhead. There is something so amazing about just feeling the grass under your back, and smelling the trees, and not having to worry about a single thing.

Then I lost all that. Some crazy illness from the pit of wherever these things come from stole that from me. The very sunshine itself made me sick. I couldn’t even get out in it. It were as if I became a vampire. A pale shadow of myself. Smelling the grass made me break out into hives. Pine trees made me come down with infections so severe I ‘d need antibiotics.  Heck. I couldn’t even climb a tree without becoming so winded I ‘d feel like passing out. The fatigue was unbelievable.

Fast forward 15 plus years to yesterday and the ride round the lake I was telling you about. I have lupus and assorted other things . We know that now. I deal. The thing is,  I have bad spells . I get really sick, so I hadn’t been out , not really ,in so very long, because the problem I’ve been dealing with lately is what they call syncope. That’s a fancy word for passing out. Kissing the carpet.  Not fun. No drives. Heh. Shoot. No sitting up for very long without feeling light headed. But I’ve felt better the last couple of weeks so up to the lake we went.  It was spectacular. Everything was greener than I have ever seen it. Suddenly a tear leaked out of the corner of my eye. The minute it does my husband starts to pull the car over thinking I’m getting sick. ” What’s wrong? Are you okay?!?” he asked nervously.  “Yeah. Yes. Yes. It’s  just so beautiful.”

The BITE~

Okay,  I’ll just get right down to the brass tacks people.  At the beginning of this month , I had kind of made a goal with myself and my page here that I would write every day about lupus, because this is lupus awareness month.  But , let’s be perfectly honest here, I suck at daily goals.  In large part , BECAUSE of lupus, and in large part because I JUST don’t WANT to write about lupus every day. I mean , seriously. LUPUS sucks huge quantities of big , hairy things. It bites. It blows. I want to write about fun things. Like roller coasters. Okay, so maybe not about roller coasters, I don’t particularly find those fun. But , KITTENS! Or orange sherbet , or ginormous glasses of ice cold coca cola consumed at mind blowing speed! YES! THOSE kinds of things! Not IV infusions , or toe -nail puking nausea, or rashes that make your skin fall off. Or being in the hospital for so long that you’ve moved your entire wardrobe there, and know ALL the nurses and doctors by name, and you’re only 22 years old. I want to write about traveling! To places with names like Zanzibar, and Montenegro, where they serve you things that you can’t pronounce, and maybe you don’t even want to.  I want to write about things like kissing my husband on top of a mountain so high you have to sleep on top of it for the night before you can climb back down again. I don’t want to have to write about things like telling my sons , “No . There will be no more babies in Mommy’s belly. The lupus took those parts away.” And I was only 24.  I don’t ever want to write again , ever again , about chemotherapy, to kill the lupus , which it does , VERY effectively , but also makes me so sick I wish I COULD die before it does.  I would only write about the good things! The things like , my husband holding my hand in the hospital , while I was breathing so few breaths the nurses thought that I was going to go, but I still knew my family was there. I would write that, in spite of all that I have seen , felt and done, every single day of my 36 years has been worth it, I would write that the love I feel for my children surpasses any pain I have ever known, and I would write to those of you in the midst of this fight , that yes, lupus sucks large quantities of big, hairy things.  It blows. It bites. But WE  bite harder. And I will find and write the GOOD much more than the bad.

Hope Springs~

Hope Springs

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
― Robert Frost

I have always loved this quote from  Mr. Frost.  It is the very essence of the human condition, condensed into one sentence.  I have been physically ill, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained, and at the brink of death.  Lupus has taken me to the very depths of a place where I thought I could go no further, and yet I have.  I have learned things about myself, and even more about the human race than I ever thought possible. Many , many times I have had people tell me, “If anyone had an excuse to give up, you certainly have had!”  But I somehow cannot escape the fact , the simple overwhelming fact , that “Life is beautiful.” Tragic , sometimes, yes.  Hurtful, at times, definitely.  But through all the compounded agony, failures, and disasters, the fact remains, Life is beautiful. Beautifully flawed, but dusted with the sparkle of the most amazing people. Sprinkled throughout with the laughter of my children, the smiles of my husband, the gifts of God , jonquils bursting so joyfully through the unexpected snow we’ve had so late this Spring. A goofy joke told by a two year old , a wave from a complete stranger from across the room. A million small and magnificent things happening in their season, that make life this crazily gorgeous insanity that I am part of, and the million and one things I have to be grateful for.  

Ecclesiastes 3 

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

¹¹ He hath made every thing beautiful in his time:

So always remember , perhaps your time to laugh and dance are just around the corner, 

Never  give  up! 

Empty~

You know , it’s coming round spring again. Or it’s trying to. The weather here in Arkansas can never seem to make up its mind this time of year. You know how it goes. Thirty degrees one day and seventy the next. Cold and grey, gloomy and wet. The wind seems to suck up any hope of anything new and fresh that dares to stick its head above ground. Sometimes that’s the way lupus makes me feel. My mind tries so very , very hard to stay positive, you know? Every day I wake up in a genuinely good mood. I really do. I am a seriously positive person. Ask anyone who knows me. That’s not bragging. It’s who I am. I was born that way. I don’t have a problem seeing the glass as half full. But , the problem is, that with lupus, you have two holes in the bottom of your glass. Constant pain, and mind -blowing fatigue. So no matter how hard you work to keep the glass full , it is constantly running empty. Empty. EMPTY. You’re tired. You’re running to the faucet. You’re filling your bucket. Dump it in the glass. Smile. The glass is full for a little while longer. But , only for a little while. Run. Run. RUN!! Empty again. Empty. empty. empty. smile. pick it up. pickituppickituppickitup……….that’s lupus. Then people begin to wonder. About why you feel stuck in between winter and spring. In that place between blue and grey. They haven’t been there , so they don’t see….. because they don’t have two holes in their glass…..they are only worried about the color, the color of their glass, the size of their glass, the shape of their glass, how much their glass cost…they just don’t see how much it cost me every day to keep my glass even halfway full…

Today’s Miracle~

There are only two ways to live your life. One is , as if nothing were a miracle. The other, as if everything were a miracle. ~ Albert Einstein

Which would you choose? Will you choose a life of wonder, and amazement that we live in such a beautiful place? Or will you choose negativity and despair that all magic is gone from this world? It is very easy to slip into that kind of thinking. We see SO many terrible things these days. Wars, rumors of wars. Killings, drugs, chronic illness. We see the environmental woes of the day, and the poverty of places we can’t reach. Maybe personally you have a lot to deal with. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, or your body is giving out on you way too soon. I personally have a whole laundry list of things that I have to cope with on a daily basis. But every day I WANT to choose to see the miracle. The green of the grass, or the butterfly on the wing. My children grown an inch taller. A newborn puppy. Even if you don’t believe in God, there are SO many wonderful things to be happy about. No matter the situation, there is a crack of sunshine somewhere. Maybe we have to look a little harder to find it somedays, but it IS worth it! I’m keeping my eyes open for the miracle of the day, I hope this inspires you to do the same! 🙂

3 Colors~

3 Colors ~

You can only choose three colors from the box to use in your picture. Which do you choose, and why?

I would have a hard time choosing only three. I love to draw, paint, color, pen-and-ink, charcoal, marker, chalk, anything that requires using color. I would have a very hard time living a black and white existence, let me tell you! But, if I had to choose, here are my three colors……..

Blue
I love blue. It is my favorite of all colors. Anytime, anywhere. For anything. I don’t know why exactly I have such an affinity to this particular color, but it just makes me feel happy. I never really understood how people used the color blue to say they feel sad or down. I “feel blue” a lot, but it’s never a bad thing. I would use red or orange to describe depression or sadness, because to me these colors fit that feeling a lot more accurately. Because when I feel depressed or sad, it actually makes me more of the red/orange angries, rather than the blue/purple contenteds. I could color a whole picture using nothing but all the shades and hues of blues in a 96 color Crayola box. Blue is the sky. Blue is a little boys eyes on a summer day. Blue is the never ending feeling of the ocean stretching out into forever. Blue is calm and comforting.

Green
Green is another of my faves. I guess probably because it is the color of nature, and the outdoors. You see more of this color outside than any other , if you think about it. My husband says if God has a favorite color, it must be green. Green means new life, growth, feeling serene. Green is those first shoots brave enough to dare even the still cold spring weather. Green is courage and strength.

Black
Black is an enigma. Black is the stunning color of the night. Black is a small puppies fur. Black is the stark , thick , bold lines of a pen and ink drawing. Black really is the color of my true loves’ hair. Black is without fathom, or understanding. Black can be cold, or warm depending on whom you are experiencing it with. Black is unbending truth and unflinching loyalty.

Could you choose only three? Could you go the rest of your life with just those three color choices? I am so grateful that I DON”T really have to pick just three!