Okay, I’ll just get right down to the brass tacks people. At the beginning of this month , I had kind of made a goal with myself and my page here that I would write every day about lupus, because this is lupus awareness month. But , let’s be perfectly honest here, I suck at daily goals. In large part , BECAUSE of lupus, and in large part because I JUST don’t WANT to write about lupus every day. I mean , seriously. LUPUS sucks huge quantities of big , hairy things. It bites. It blows. I want to write about fun things. Like roller coasters. Okay, so maybe not about roller coasters, I don’t particularly find those fun. But , KITTENS! Or orange sherbet , or ginormous glasses of ice cold coca cola consumed at mind blowing speed! YES! THOSE kinds of things! Not IV infusions , or toe -nail puking nausea, or rashes that make your skin fall off. Or being in the hospital for so long that you’ve moved your entire wardrobe there, and know ALL the nurses and doctors by name, and you’re only 22 years old. I want to write about traveling! To places with names like Zanzibar, and Montenegro, where they serve you things that you can’t pronounce, and maybe you don’t even want to. I want to write about things like kissing my husband on top of a mountain so high you have to sleep on top of it for the night before you can climb back down again. I don’t want to have to write about things like telling my sons , “No . There will be no more babies in Mommy’s belly. The lupus took those parts away.” And I was only 24. I don’t ever want to write again , ever again , about chemotherapy, to kill the lupus , which it does , VERY effectively , but also makes me so sick I wish I COULD die before it does. I would only write about the good things! The things like , my husband holding my hand in the hospital , while I was breathing so few breaths the nurses thought that I was going to go, but I still knew my family was there. I would write that, in spite of all that I have seen , felt and done, every single day of my 36 years has been worth it, I would write that the love I feel for my children surpasses any pain I have ever known, and I would write to those of you in the midst of this fight , that yes, lupus sucks large quantities of big, hairy things. It blows. It bites. But WE bite harder. And I will find and write the GOOD much more than the bad.
I would like to start this post by saying, that ANYONE who knows me, knows I don’t get offended easily. Pretty much anything , anybody says, just rolls right off my back.
However, I just recently read an article , with MEMES to go along with it, that just totally rubbed my fur the wrong way.
And once you read it, I am fairly sure you will feel the same way.
To start this off, I always thought the idea behind childbirth was to have a HAPPY, HEALTHY child. One for the parents to love, and one to love the parents.
WELL, this fella ‘ here has just set childbirth, and childrearin’ back 100 years and caused a great deal of unhappiness between women. When you read it , you will understand, and be just as outraged as I was. Seriously, this man is half a bubble off of plumb, a donut short of a full box, and as my Daddy would say, “His bread’s in the oven , but the gas ain’t on. ” The word chauvinist doesn’t even BEGIN to cover it.
Because apparently , those of us who had C sections are INFERIOR.
Because , apparently, we didn’t REALLY LOVE our babies, we are just selfish for making different choice.
Because apparently , we’re just drug-addled women , who are lazy and chemically dependent.
So we have no business having doctors interfere in the “natural” process of birth, even though our children came early and would have died without medical intervention. We’re just lazy like that. Needless to say, I refuse to feel sorry for my childbirth experience , as my sons are 16 and 14 and are completely healthy , despite the fact that (SHOCK AND HORROR!!!!) they were both born by Ceasarian section.
So perhaps there is hope after all!
I’ve never been a big resolution-maker. Well, I mean, at least, not at the first of the year , anyway. I’ve never quite understood why people assign such significance to the idea of dates. Those are ALL pretty much man-made observances, if you think about it. New Year’s is not the same the world over. I am a devout Christian, but Jesus was NOT really born on December the 25th, and Christmas really started as a pagan winter celebration regardless. Easter is pagan, Halloween, certainly is. Birthdays, again, a man-made ritual. Anniversaries , the same. Valentine’s , a day to give cards, chocolates and ridiculously expensive jewelry to the one you love in honor of a saint who was martyred. Romantic , right ? A lot of people think it odd that my husband and I don’t really celebrate our anniversaries or birthdays. I don’t wear a ton of jewelry, and have never cared much for gifts from the florists’ shop. We don’t make New Year’s resolutions about how we are going to “do better” or ” treat one another with more respect” etc.
Our boys have picked up on these traditions which has made some of their interactions with others a tad unusual. What people don’t realize however is this…………….we give gifts to each other all year long. We RESOLVE to treat one another with respect every single day. We have had a lot of illness in our family so we try to make each and every day special in our lives. Why wait 6 months til Christmas to buy that sweet gift if you might not BE here at Christmas ? My husband lost his mother when he was very very small. He met me when I was only 16 and I was already extremely ill. When we had our boys he was so afraid that history would repeat itself so we promised to make memories for the boys to keep with them all their lives. We couldn’t dilly -dally around until Easter , or birthdays . Minutes counted, and still do. Now the boys are nearly grown and aren’t really boys anymore. Resolutions aren’t something that they really know about. It’s hard to explain how you want your YEAR to end , when you don’t even know what the end of your DAY will be like! But really absolutely EVERYONE’s lives are this way. They truly are. We don’t know when our time will come. It might be tonight, it might be tomorrow, it might be 5 minutes from now. You don’t have to be ill, or even old. So this year in 2015, instead of RESOLVING to make your year better, let your dreams set sail! Resolve to start right now, resolve to do what brings you JOY , and make every SECOND starting now , better. It will make a bigger difference than you will ever know.
.By Woman’s Day | Secrets to Your Success
Being a mom is one of the most demanding jobs in the world. And while women who take on paying work in addition to parenthood have their hands full, they represent the majority of mothers. “Women at home with their children represent only a small percentage of families in the U.S.,” says Dr. Beth Anne Shelton, professor of sociology at University of Texas at Arlington. Yet working moms-just like their stay-at-home counterparts-often face harsh judgments from those who question their parenting situation. Here are nine remarks working mothers hate to hear and what to do if someone says one to you. Photo by Thinkstock
1. Do you really have to work?
“Most women (and men) work because they need the earnings and/or health benefits,” says Dr. Shelton. But a family’s financial situation isn’t anyone else’s business. And even if someone’s sure a family can survive on one parent’s paychecks alone, they might use the second income for “luxuries” like saving for their children’s future college education, explains Dr. Shelton.
Still, Terri Bly, a small business owner and mom from St. Paul, MN, doesn’t think mothers should feel bad about working when money isn’t a motivator. “I love my children more than my job, but I need the combination of intellectual stimulation, pursuing my own goals and raising two amazing little girls,” she says. “My brain lights up when I have a balance of career and home.” Feel free to share that rationale with someone who asks if you have to work-or simply say you’re not comfortable discussing your family’s finances.
Find out how to make more money.
2. Aren’t you concerned about not being there for your kids?
“Even when a mom’s at work, the ultimate responsibility for her children and their care lies with her,” says Michelle LaRowe, author of Working Mom’s 411: How to Manage Kids, Career and Home. Besides, children can benefit from being around other caregivers, says Sara Sutton Fell, founder and CEO of FlexJobs, a service that helps people find flexible and telecommuting career opportunities. Fell, a working mom, herself, suggests mothers respond to that guilt-inducing question with: “My children are with people who are adding value to their lives and supporting my ideas of how they should be raised.”
Or, if you’re like JJ DiGeronimo of Cleveland, OH, explain that you make up for hours apart from your kids with lots of quality time together. “I give my children the one-on-one time they demand when I’m home. I’m not sure I’d be playing on the floor as much if I was there all the time,” she says.
3. Did you hear about that study on children of working moms?
Everyone seems to have a know-it-all friend or relative who likes to mention “research” which “proves” that some parenting choices doom children. But only a mom knows what’s best for her family, says Fell. Plus, “studies flip flop,” she adds. In other words, best parenting practices are always changing. So instead of second-guessing yourself, avoid the Debbie Downers as best you can. And when people share the latest findings with you, try ending the conversation with “thanks for sharing” or Fell’s go-to response: “I’ve read that there are lots of benefits for children of working moms.”
Discover these amazing summer travel deals
4. It must be nice to get a break from the kids.
“Working is a break in that a mom is getting the chance to focus on her professional self,” says Fell. But, she points out, not everyone is blessed with a job she enjoys; sometimes it’s just a paycheck. This remark hits a nerve because working moms rarely have a real reprieve. After all, a mom’s still a caring, concerned mom when she’s at work. If someone slings that statement your way, acknowledge that all moms need a break once in a while. It could segue into suggesting a future girls’ night out!
5. You’re so lucky to work from home. But why do you need a nanny?
This implies that work-from-home moms get to play with their kids and work simultaneously-as if that’s actually possible! Dawn Allcot of West Babylon, NY, a freelance writer, admits she can’t be productive without help. “I need to pay someone to watch my toddlers so I can work,” she says. And that’s actually the perfect reply for anyone who’s made to feel that her home-based gig is a breeze. In fact, Allcot notes, many employers who allow telecommuting ask for proof of childcare if kids are home. Although moms working from home do some housework/childcare during business hours, hired help goes a long way. “If a parent can concentrate on work by having a nanny, the work is less likely to invade the non-work hours,” says Dr. Shelton.
Learn 9 things never to say on a job interview.
6. “Why have kids if someone else is going to take care of them?”
Ouch! This hints that you entered into parenthood without thinking it through. A family friend recently chastised Laura Perez of Newark, NJ, for considering having a second child when she was already a working mom of one. “It’s horrible to think that you’re not caring for your child properly. But just because you’re a working mom doesn’t mean you care for your child any less. You just need to find the proper balance,” she says.
And that balance is the often the result of much planning and prioritizing, says Fell. “No matter our motivations, the decision to be a working mom (or not) is a difficult and personal one that comes with careful consideration.” Don’t hesitate to point that out should you feel like you’re being criticized.
7. You have another school event? Didn’t you just leave early last week?
Rosemarie Poska, a nurse manager and mom of three from Staten Island, NY, often feels the tug of war between her work schedule and busy calendar of family activities, so she doesn’t enjoy when coworkers question her work ethic. “Some people say, ‘you work banker’s hours,’ after I put in two hours before they got to the office, didn’t take a lunch break and hardly went to the bathroom!” she says. Dr. Shelton doesn’t think anyone should resent parents who attend the occasional school event during the day. “We should recognize that everyone benefits from children who are well cared for,” she says.
If a nosy coworker passes a comment like this, Fell recommends keeping your response polite and professional without apologizing. Try: “It’s great the company allows me to adjust my schedule to get my work done and make my family a priority.”
See hairstyles you can do in 15 minutes – or less!
8. “I’d miss my kids too much if I worked.”
Though the sentiment might have nothing to do with the working mother who hears it, it can be perceived to mean that working moms must be so cold-hearted to leave their kids every day, says LaRowe. The truth: “Missing your kids whenever you’re away from them is ‘mommyversal,'” she says. This is a good opportunity to share how adorable it is when your little ones rush to the door to greet you, make pictures for your office or call you at work to tell you about their days.
9. Women should be at home with their children.
Can you say old school? “This indicates that mothers are the only ones who can raise their children,” says Fell, adding that today’s family structures aren’t like the ones of yesteryear: Grandparents in the same household, single parents and stay-at-home dads are quite common. “If you hear this, take a deep breath and remember that someone who tells you this comes from a different perspective.”
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychology professor and clinical psychologist from Los Angeles, CA, kept working after her daughters were born because she needed the money. So when a family member said to her, “Once you had your child, you gave up your dreams,” she was angry. “It’s sad if mothers are depicted as women without dreams,” she says. “My legacy for my daughters will not be ‘things,’ but rather my pursuit of my dreams. What better way to give them permission to do the same for themselves?”
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com
This was an interesting article. I wanted to respond to it by writing some things on my blog about “What Not to Say to Stay -At – Home Moms” . I know everyone is all about girl power and all that these days, and how women obviously are supposed to be equal to men in EVERY way. I’m not so sure I agree , but it is a free country, and people can read both this article and my blog, and make their own decisions. How cool is that?
So here goes.
Things NOT to say to a stay at home mom.
1. Don’t you WORK?~ Heh. Really? This almost doesn’t deserve a response. But in a spirit of compassion for the ignorant, I will say (: “Um. Yes. I work. I get up at 5:30 am. I make breakfast for my children while starting the laundry. I do the dishes. Feed the kids. Start the school work, (we homeschool) , prepare the next day’s lessons, take out the laundry, sweep, mop, clean the whole house, start preparing for lunch, take care of assorted animals, do all the shopping, and so on and so forth. And this is all usually before lunch on any given day. Of course if it’s a really busy day , I also have doctor appointments, other family obligations, church ,ending the evenings sometimes around 11 pm hopefully! and don’t forget sleep, somewhere in there!Just to get up and do it all over again!” So , the answer is yes! Yes, I work!
2. It must be nice to have enough money to do that. ~ Uh. Okay. I didn’t realize I was secretly among the wealthy. I mean you DO see what I’m wearing? Thrift store finds. I’m driving a 15 year old used vehicle. We live in a nice, but old house. No new furniture. We coupon. We eat macaroni. My children DO NOT wear $100 dollar jeans and sneakers. We don’t eat out everyday. The majority of our money spent on “extras” is homeschooling materials. So, it’s a choice. Not because we can “afford” it.
3. Don’t you get sick of being around your kids all day every day? ~ Well, in a word, no. I love my children. They are some of my favorite people. Maybe that’s weird. But , it was hard work getting them here, and harder work keeping them here in the land of the living. (Major complications with pregnancy , birth, and illnesses.) So, I am so thankful they are still with me, that I don’t want to pawn them off on someone else. I know that one day they’ll grow up and have their own lives, and I want to make every minute I have with them count!
4. WOW. Your husband must be a real chauvinist.~ Yes , believe it or not, I have actually HAD people say that ! And the answer to that is “NO!” He is not. He takes care of me and my children. He works very hard so I don’t have to leave them. He believes that women are the fine china and deserve to be treated accordingly. I don’t find that insulting. I am a well educated, well spoken , capable adult. But like it or not, we ladies are NOT men! We aren’t rugged , rough individuals. We deserve to be feminine, and cherished! Why is that considered chauvinistic?
5. and finally …..Don’t you miss ADULT conversation?~ Well, I am married. My husband surely qualifies as an adult. I visit with my mom and dad on a regular basis. I don’t live in a cave. I go to church. I see people at the grocery store. Besides, what’s so great about most of the adult conversation these days? Have you seen the quality of some of that anymore? 🙂
So there you go. 5 things to definitely NOT say to a stay at home mom.
That’s both sides of a very touchy issue for you to read .
Maybe I didn’t scare off too many people! Hope this finds everyone having a great day! Thanks for stopping by!
I just read a disturbing article on YAHOO! news. It was about how Victoria Beckham accidentally left her son , when she was supposed to be taking him to school. She remembered his backpack, his lunch, and everything, got to the school and realized she had forgotten her son. How does that happen?!? And the thing is the article was accompanied by other mothers saying they had done the same. At the store, the church , or the mall. I was flabbergasted. I mean , really?!? How do you not know where your kid is? I know when they get older you have to let them go places on their own, but when they are little? I might be overprotective, or paranoid, but I guess I always thought it was my job to keep my children safe. Bad things happen everyday to people who are careful, how much more so to those who are not? It only takes a minute for someone to hurt, or even abduct your child. And you may say, “Well, we live in a small town , and that would never happen.” But you don’t know. There are wicked people everywhere. And I don’t mean that to sound all “gloom and doom” but I only get one chance to do this parenthood thing right. I guess the more I thought about this article the more aggravated I got about the whole thing with Victoria Beckham. I had thoughts like, “Do you not talk to your son on the way to school?” , “Do you not notice the car is quiet?”, “Where was the child at when she left him?” , it just really made me wonder about people these days. I dunno, I guess I always thought my kids were part of me, and I would never leave part of me just laying around somewhere. “Oh, geez, I left my arm back at home. Oh, well.” I don’t think so . My boys mean more to me than just something to accessorize with. Just sayin’.
(Oh, and the reason why there is no photo posted with this is that I could not merit posting an actual photo of the behaviors that I am railing about! 🙂
Well, it is soapbox jumping time again! I would say I promise not to get back up on it this week, but that might be a lie. So without further ado, I will jump right in.
I ‘m a fairly modern girl. I ‘m not what you would describe as a prude. I like clothes that fit my body, and are stylish. Before I had stretch marks, and the “mommy” tummy, I even wore a bikini . (I was younger, much younger than I am now!) But , I just have to mention, I am tired of taking my 13 and 11 year olds to town, and everywhere they go, women have their body parts hanging out. And it’s not just the women.
I’ve seen this with men too. Now, I’m not a mean person, and I know some people cannot afford new or even used clothes. But , these are not the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the women who are carrying hundred-dollar handbags, and shoes that cost more than my husband makes in a week. But, somehow, with all that money , they couldn’t afford to buy a whole shirt. And I swear sometimes, it’s like these men are buying a certain brand of underwear just so they can show it off when their pants are down around their knees. I guess I just don’t understand. These teenage girls? Their parents let them leave the house looking like that? If I had tried to wear some of the things that I’ve seen on girls lately, my dad would have locked me up and thrown away the key. He always told me, “You don’t advertise what ain’t for sale.” Period. And really it is the parents who should be saying something. If your daughter is 12 , she does not need to try to look 21. And if your son is 12, his hind-end should not be hanging out where people can gawk at it. I might be paranoid, but I don’t want my sons to draw some child predator’s attention, by dressing inappropriately. I’m sure there are people who don’t agree with me, and that’s ok , too. To each their own. But I just had to say something! I obviously would never tell another parent how to raise their children, but I’m saying now, if you ever see mine in town with their heinies hanging out, you have my permission to snatch their pants back up to where they belong.