TOTO, We’re not in Kansas , anymore………

Why is it that parents don’t EVER REALLY tell you the “FUN” stuff that happens after you become a parent? They mention it in vague terms , such as “Just you wait.” or, if you happen to live in the South, “You are surely going to pay for your raisin’.” But never do they mention the specifics. Never do they mention that you shall be up for 20 hours nursing sick children while you yourself are so ill that your eyesight becomes so blurred there are two of everything,expecting lollypop toting munchkins to come singing from under the sink at any moment. Covered in several unmentionable substances, your hair in a scrunchy long lost it’s SCRUNCH. This was never mentioned anywhere in Dr.Spock or Dr. Sears, trust me, I’ve read them all. No where does it say anything about you wanting to sleep in the bathtub because it looks comfortable at 2 a.m. while one child is barfing into the sink, and the other is barfing into the toilet. ANNNNND, just when you think you’ve caught a break your husband comes home quivering like lime jello , (same consistency and color) , running a temp of 101.4 , saying a volcano is exploding out of my head, and oh by the way if I don’t make the bathroom now, there’ll be more of me on the floor for you to clean? NO ONE tells you these things at the altar, when you stand there all star spangled , breezing past the “in sickness and in health” line lah-de-dah …..My body now oozes down into the cracks of the sofa under the comforter waiting for the next wave of whatever the crap this is to hit , and as I pull the covers up over my head, I recite this mantra to myself , clicking my furry slippers together three times , “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…………….

The FLU, The SHIHTZU, and The EWWWW.

Oh , I had forgotten how much fun it was to have sick kiddos when you are sick yourself. Remember when you were single, and you got sick, and you could just take your meds , and return to the glorious fluffy warmth of the bed that calls you from the bathroom after you’ve barfed your brains out? Remember how , when you DIDN’T have kids, and you just took THERA FLU , unplugged the phone, and shut off all the lights , that wonderful feeling of the darkness swallowing you up , and then waking up , about 14 hours later , thinking how fabulous it was to be nearly flu free? YEAH, ME either. I have kids . They have the flu. One of them is barfing all over the kitchen floor, while the other one is hollering at me, “Moooooom!!! Brother threw up on my favorite shoes!!” Did I mention I feel like crap too, cause I’m sick, after being up all night with said child, but I drag myself to clean up the vomit before the shihtzu gets to it, like a mid -morning snack. My head pounding like an AMTRAK ran over it in the night. My only wish , to be able to crash back down to the sofa, but now the other child is shrieking from the second bathroom, “MooooooM!!! I need clean underwear!!” ( Don’t EVEN ASK) Someone should be filming this I think to myself. They should film what I look like,(covered in barf!) what my house looks like,(Dogs run amok, and children hollering!) and DEFINITELY what this WHOLE experience is like,( my body aching, and head about to explode!) and show it to junior high students. It would be the world’s BEST form of birth control, let me tell you. Trust me, it would work.