Okay , those of you know I posted several months ago I posted the Mark Twain letter where he writes to the snake oil salesman who claimed to be able to “CURE” diptheria which tragically took the life of Twain’s son. He is such a great satirist, and today I found out that my sister suffered a completely unwarranted attack on some personal things that she can’t change, and therefore thought, I SHALL write a satirical letter to said unknown person. IT FOLLOWS.
Dear Person it may concern,
It has come to my attention that while conversing with my sister you felt compelled to make certain remarks about her appearance. This brings me to write this letter. Now I assume you ARE a real person, as my sister WAS speaking to you. You go about in broad daylight and are not therefore some type of vampire or other unworldly creature. And I MUST assume you have a brain , you spoke and didn’t shuffle haphazardly zombie like to bring out Daryl Dixon with his cross bow. And yet I am confused? You said my sister looked old! She’s a certain age , I won’t say what , as it’s no one’s business, but old compared to what? You said she looked tired! She has two sons, keeps an immaculate home, I daresay I could eat off of her bathroom floor, and not have the slightest fear! She has diabetes, 2 sisters with diseases killing them off slowly to whom she shows great compassion. So should she be jolly and gay? You even , I shudder to even mention this last one, for if you know , truly KNOW my sister, you would NEVER had said such a thing, said “She put on WEIGHT.” I perish, I faint, I revolt at the idea that you should be so cold. So you must surely be as Dorothy’s Scarecrow. Full of straw. Are you the ideal ? Are you young , vibrant , in your prime and perfect? Perhaps we should look deeper , for I am beginning to think there is nothing there in the middle at all, and you are more as the TIN MAN. “Oh, if I only had a HEART!” But let me reassure you ! There is hope! I shall pray for you. I shall pray you never feel the sting of a horrible comment such as those, and pray that people have compassion on your mean little soul. And I shall pray that you NEVER say such things to my sister again. As Twain would say Adieu! Adieu ! Adieu!