I still sit in his lap . I’m 35 years old, But I crawl in his recliner with him when he sits at the house and he wraps his big ole arm around me and holds me still. I am still his baby. Some one once told him , “She’s too big to be doin’ that.” And he said, “No she ain’t. She’ll NEVER be TOO BIG. I’ll hold her like that as long as she wants to sit there.” He had three girls before me, and wanted a boy I’m sure, but got me instead. So I followed him everywhere. I didn’t know I wasn’t THE boy. I wore the jeans, and the welder’s hat just like Daddy. I toted his tools, and set on the stool at the parts store and talked “shop” with the “guys” even though my feet wouldn’t even touch the floor. I was tearing into transmissions and motors and knew and could name practically every vintage automobile by model and year by the time I was 10. A LOT of people thought my dad HAD three daughters and one SON. My sister next above me was HORRIFIED. (She was the epitome of girlyness.)Daddy took me hunting practically before I could walk, in a little green sleeping bag and laid me beside him next to a pine tree so big around it seemed as if you could have built a house from it. I learned the smell the forest, steeped into my tiny hands until the fragrance of it and Daddy and I seemed like one thing. I learned to lay so still that the creatures of the woods would crawl across my fingers . My Daddy was the strongest , smartest , kindest , toughest man in the whole wide world. He taught me everything I ever knew about how to be a girl without even knowing it, because the whole time we weren’t doing girly things. How to stand up for myself , I was just a little ole bitty scrap of a thing, didn’t even weigh 80 pounds soaking wet, but I punched a guy twice my size in the nose for bullying me, just because my Daddy said “You never start anything, but you can SURE FINISH IT.” I never realized at the time we were growing up that we didn’t have a lot of money , because Daddy worked SO incredibly hard to make sure that on every birthday we got at least one gift that we desperately wanted. A bike, A Barbie for my sister, a real live Pony! , THE ATARI when it came out, hours and hours and hours I know now, that he put in at that hated “nut factory” he called it. Oh , Daddy! What ungrateful monsters we were! Today is your birthday , and all I can say is this letter is just words, only words. Tears to pour on a page. YOUR HANDS show the LOVE. YOUR BODY the SCARS. I love you so very much. And I don’t care who sees, who knows, who thinks, if I am silly, you are mine. I have never been prouder to call a man my Daddy . EVER. Happy Birthday, from your JayBird
15 Mar 2014 2 Comments
10 Mar 2014 Leave a comment
He moves a little slower now. But hard work will do that to a man. His joints creak now when he gets out of our double bed. But he has sinew on his arms, like rope stretched round an old post many times over. Losing none of its strength simply looking a little more worn. Hands that I’ve seen lift a 100 pound sack of feed as if it were a plaything, and yet wet a cloth to wash my face while I’m ill with the delicate ease of a doctor. You see the cowboy stars on television who perform seeming impossible shots with their western rifles. I’ve seen him fire a bullet hole in a bullet hole from a place so far away I couldn’t even see the cross mark. A man we know carries the target in his wallet , that my husband once shot as proof that he knows a man who can shoot ” a hole into a hole.” I’ve dreamed a dream up in my mind and said , ” If I wanted a shelf that looked like this and went here in this space, would you build it for me?” . And out of spare wood from the yard, and his pure imagination , he can build it, and stain it and make it a work of art. His boys think he is the strongest, tallest , smartest, best Daddy in the world. And why not? He’s taught them how to catch a fish with just a string, a hook, and a worm. How to walk tall in a world full of people who tell them differently. They know how to shake hands with a man when saying hello, and how to open a door for a lady. He’s taught them how to skip rocks, crack a Bible, kneel in prayer, and if need be, how to throw a punch. He’s told them you always love your Lord, your Momma, and your neighbor, and IN that order. I first laid eyes on him when I was 16, and told my friend, I’m gonna’ marry that man, and I did. He has been my light on some very, very dark nights, given me two amazing children, been my laughter when I am down, my lover, my strength on some days when I thought I didn’t want to go on anymore, and always, always, my BEST FRIEND. Today he is 48 , and I love him more now than I did that September day when I first saw him across the churchyard. Happy birthday babe, you are my everything.
27 Feb 2014 Leave a comment
OHKAYYY! I’m back to-day to explain to everyone my FABULOUS weight loss program! Here you go. Step One: Contract Systemic Lupus Erethmetous :Deadly Auto Immune Disease. Have it ravage your heart. Be able to use only 30% of it. Get a blood clot . THEN HAVE SAID auto immune disease attack your ENTIRE nervous system , where it does whacka doodle things like , cause your heart do 155 while you’re asleep, or cause you to have absolutely no appetite, or your stomach to revolt at the very sight of food. Or it might even make your brain say “Hey let’s just shut the lights out while this chick is standing up!” So you can’t drive , you can’ eat, you can’t exercise, you can’t do anything. You catch EVERY single thing that comes by until suddenly one day you wake up realizing that something has gone horribly, awfully wrong. I go to the doctor , and I have a whole body infection, SEE that’s what’s YA gotta DO is get a WHOLE BODY infection . IT eats up all your extra body fat. and there ya go ! When all you can stomach is banana baby food, and jello, and sip water through a straw . 50 pounds in two months , so gone, so fast, you hardly even know. But you know that your body is changed. You know you’ve been weak and down in ways that you had never imagined and never planned. Funniest thing is , when I was taking 100 milligrams of prednisone and bloated up like a whale everyone talked about how ill I looked. But now that I am wasting with infection , and losing weight so fast , everyone thinks I look so great . It’s funny. Apperances with lupus are so so, deceiving. So lupus is so not a way to lose weight. SO NO , NOT A WAY I RECOMMEND people to use as a diet. So please This is NOT a diet I recommend ! LOL.
26 Feb 2014 Leave a comment
My life has been a funny thing ,
it started out as just bout me,
I guess I thought that’s the way it should be.
Then something crept in on subtle wings,
on clawed feet ,
into my being.
It had a name ,
We could not speak,
this horrid beast.
My life had not meant to be,
just about me,
the pain so deep,
the tears that steeped.
For all around the world there sleeped,
hundreds, thousands, more.
This monster tore.
Its jagged teeth .
My words , you see,
I use to cleave and daily free,
MY thoughts from
lupus’ monstrous’ hands.
“NOT ALONE!!”,said I.
“FOREVER TOGETHER!!”, said we.
24 Feb 2014 2 Comments
YEP. That’s what I said. I have AMAZONIC GORGONIA PURPLEITIS. It’s this horrible disease. Bizarre condition , really. Your own body does horrid things to itself. Like snacks on it’s own heart, or even your brain. You can lose your faculties. First mine decided to make my heart the main course , so I have 30% function of that. Then it decided my ENTIRE nervous system looked like a great after dinner snack. So it went amok through there. So my heart rate my go 155 with me lying completely still. Or it might tell my brain to just shut off while I’m standing up. “So you’ve been to the AMAZON ya say?” No actually it’s this buggery disease called Systemic Lupus Erethemetous , and hundreds of thousands of people suffer from it all over the world and there is NO CURE. But it seemed like everytime I told some one I had lupus there brain immediately went either somewhere else, their eyes glazed over, or they looked at me and went , “WHAHHHHAAT??” So I just decided for once I was going to call it something SUPER WEIRD and see what kind of reaction I got. Or if I started off with the symptoms instead of the name and said it in a super horrifying tone, would people be more interested, “AS in did you know LUPUS is actually the ZOMBIE of the disease world??” THAT might get their attention , as in we are literally the WALKING DEAD of the famous telly show? What we have affects more people in the world than you could ever imagine and practically NO ONE has heard of it. So I don’t know if we need to change our name, our image or what, but for today, I shall have AMAZONIC GORGONIA PURPLEITIS ……for the thrills, after all life is so short ,I take my fun where I find it :)
22 Feb 2014 Leave a comment
in About Me~, Uncategorized Tags: Dr. Sears, Dr. Spock, finding the funny, hallucinations, humor, living in Kansas, parenting, raising children, sickness, teenagers, the flu, Toto, what my parents didn't say
Why is it that parents don’t EVER REALLY tell you the “FUN” stuff that happens after you become a parent? They mention it in vague terms , such as “Just you wait.” or, if you happen to live in the South, “You are surely going to pay for your raisin’.” But never do they mention the specifics. Never do they mention that you shall be up for 20 hours nursing sick children while you yourself are so ill that your eyesight becomes so blurred there are two of everything,expecting lollypop toting munchkins to come singing from under the sink at any moment. Covered in several unmentionable substances, your hair in a scrunchy long lost it’s SCRUNCH. This was never mentioned anywhere in Dr.Spock or Dr. Sears, trust me, I’ve read them all. No where does it say anything about you wanting to sleep in the bathtub because it looks comfortable at 2 a.m. while one child is barfing into the sink, and the other is barfing into the toilet. ANNNNND, just when you think you’ve caught a break your husband comes home quivering like lime jello , (same consistency and color) , running a temp of 101.4 , saying a volcano is exploding out of my head, and oh by the way if I don’t make the bathroom now, there’ll be more of me on the floor for you to clean? NO ONE tells you these things at the altar, when you stand there all star spangled , breezing past the “in sickness and in health” line lah-de-dah …..My body now oozes down into the cracks of the sofa under the comforter waiting for the next wave of whatever the crap this is to hit , and as I pull the covers up over my head, I recite this mantra to myself , clicking my furry slippers together three times , “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…………….
19 Feb 2014 2 Comments
Oh , I had forgotten how much fun it was to have sick kiddos when you are sick yourself. Remember when you were single, and you got sick, and you could just take your meds , and return to the glorious fluffy warmth of the bed that calls you from the bathroom after you’ve barfed your brains out? Remember how , when you DIDN’T have kids, and you just took THERA FLU , unplugged the phone, and shut off all the lights , that wonderful feeling of the darkness swallowing you up , and then waking up , about 14 hours later , thinking how fabulous it was to be nearly flu free? YEAH, ME either. I have kids . They have the flu. One of them is barfing all over the kitchen floor, while the other one is hollering at me, “Moooooom!!! Brother threw up on my favorite shoes!!” Did I mention I feel like crap too, cause I’m sick, after being up all night with said child, but I drag myself to clean up the vomit before the shihtzu gets to it, like a mid -morning snack. My head pounding like an AMTRAK ran over it in the night. My only wish , to be able to crash back down to the sofa, but now the other child is shrieking from the second bathroom, “MooooooM!!! I need clean underwear!!” ( Don’t EVEN ASK) Someone should be filming this I think to myself. They should film what I look like,(covered in barf!) what my house looks like,(Dogs run amok, and children hollering!) and DEFINITELY what this WHOLE experience is like,( my body aching, and head about to explode!) and show it to junior high students. It would be the world’s BEST form of birth control, let me tell you. Trust me, it would work.